I was wary of singing that song for a while
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| Rorey Carroll |
Part Two of Murder Ballad Monday’s Interview with Rorey Carroll
Read Part One of the interview here.
Read about the song, “Head Hung,” here.
Read Part One of the interview here.
Read about the song, “Head Hung,” here.
MBM: If you don’t mind me asking about this, your brother died tragically and suddenly, of natural causes, at a relatively young age. “Head Hung” was written prior to his death. How did your experience of singing the song change after he died?
RC: You definitely nailed a big thing on the head for me. It’s very thoughtful of you to think of that question.
Before my brother had passed away—I don’t know if you’ve ever lost anyone in your life—death wasn’t something that directly affected me. That’s what happens in movies and stories and books.
When it actually happened to me, my process just kind of “360’d.” It definitely moved into a whole shift of consciousness. I’m now even more fascinated by death, but not by murder. Murder seems very brutal to me.
My brother passed away from an acute stutter in his heart—cardiac arrhythmia or Sudden Cardiac Death. It happens to people about his age and a little younger. So, he passed. My mother and my sister were there, and my niece and my nephew. He had just been surfing. When it happened, I was actually on a plane ride out to see them.
He walked up the stairs and he looked at my mom, looking the happiest he had ever been, and when he was walking to the car with my family, he just kind of fell over—and basically his heart stopped beating before he even hit the ground. My sister was doing mouth to mouth, and my mom was helping. It was disturbing for them, but he couldn’t have been in a better spot.
The family is very close, very tight. So, we’ve all been very supportive.
But, ever since that happened, my outlook on pretty much every single thing has shifted—my fascination with a lot of things kind of moved more into the light. Instead of writing things to shock people, and writing things to make people feel just any emotion, my songwriting has shifted to trying to uplift—and at least being conscious of what I’m saying when I’m saying it. Not to say that I don’t still write dark songs, but my process is more about making people feeling a little bit better. It’s like when your mom says “say what you mean.” So, that was the lesson for my songwriting process. You do affect people by what you say.
MBM: It sounds like you’re talking about having more compassion.
RC: It’s compassion, just kind of understanding that people are going through stuff, too—instead of that selfish nature. I’ve definitely learned about feeling for others. I’ve always been kind of like a punk—kind of a “Screw you. I’m going to live this way. These are my goals.” Now, I’m thinking, “OK, my mom probably wouldn’t want me hitchhiking into town.” Life is more precious.
I hiked a lot of the AT with my best friend. He was my wilderness therapy partner after the hike. He knows me better than myself. He was living in Montana at the time my brother died, and I had a layover in Denver on my way to San Diego. We bumped into each other unexpectedly at the airport, and it turned out that he was on the same flight as me. It was a really powerful plane ride. And he was with me when my brother-in-law gave me the news about my brother. I couldn’t have felt more supported.
Now when I sing “Head Hung,” it’s at a different level. I’m more detached. It’s almost like I’m reading a story, or telling a joke. I don’t feel the emotion that I used to feel. Now, it’s just like a shock value kind of piece. I hesitate to say that in an interview. I hate to say that in an interview, because you never want to be distant from a song, but it’s almost like a performance piece or a play. And, I think that people enjoy it more now. I don’t know if that’s because I became a better performer, or we improved the arrangement. I don’t put myself fully into it in the same angry way. I still love whipping out “Head Hung.” It’s still one of the favorite songs I’ve ever written.
I know I was wary about singing that song for a while after my brother died. I knew that was one of the cult favorites of our group in Asheville. I would do it. Yes, it was emotional. It was almost like I didn’t want to follow up with the killing. Now, I’ve kind of learned to separate myself from it.
MBM: Is that because you have to do that as a professional?
RC: Yeah. You have to perform every night, and you have to cater to different audiences. Whereas, when I first started writing and performing at open mikes, I could just kind of do what I wanted. That’s something I kind of miss, but I still get that when I write new songs.
When you’re on stage with a band, you have a whole lot going on. Depending on how tight the band is and how well the band knows the music. I’ve lost some of that feeling of being as shaken up by things. I just get over it, and just do it.
MBM: You’ve mentioned to me that “music has been the most healing medicine [you] could ask for.” What other songs have helped you explore this emotional terrain of death and loss? Is there a common thread in them in your mind? What role have murder ballads played?
RC: I pretty much only do my own material. After my brother died, it was a rush of so many different things. As a writer, it’s just this overwhelming rush of having so much to say. So much to get out. Songs are the most healing thing I could ever ask for. One song I wrote is a song called “Spirit.” It’s about how when someone leaves you, leaves this world, you still feel them with you. It’s just kind of the human condition to think that they’re still around you. I have a feeling that he is still around. That song is very healing for me. It’s a song I don’t normally play, unless I’m with friends or family, or more of a listening crowd. A lot of people have shared that feeling.
I feel your spirit in my heart, and in the goosebumps on my arms.
I see it moving through the trees, and in the wind that covers me.
You’re everywhere I see, you’re everywhere I breathe,
and when I miss you, you’re still a part of me.
It’s about how when you love someone so much, they are still a part of you, they make you who you are. That song is really healing for me.
I have a lot of songs that kind of dance around that. I think about my brother a lot. He’s in a lot of songs that I’ve written. I was actually his beneficiary, and I recorded my album in his honor with the money he had left for me. He was one of my biggest supporters musically. He had even started to play some before he passed away.
MBM: Do you have any other favorite murder ballads?
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| Ashleigh Caudill |
RC: An interesting murder ballad is by Ashleigh Caudill, she plays bass in my band sometimes. She wrote a song called “William White.” It kind of comes from a similar point of view (a woman’s rage). The basis of the song is that it’s coming from a woman. What Ashley told me is that in a lot of murder ballads, the murderer is named William. In the song, the woman is about to marry William White. He comes to her door at night, before the wedding, and says I need to marry you right now. She asks why. He tells her that he saw a man leave her quarters the night before, and that he lured him to the woods and killed him. He then realized it was her brother. She agrees to marry him, says she still loves him, but insists on being taken to see the site of the murder. When they get there, she kills him. It’s a really interesting song.
“William White” by Ashley Caudill (on MySpace)
MBM: Have you written any other murder ballads?
RC: Not really, experimented with it, but nothing really came out. More so songs about spirits and the feeling of losing someone, not so much murder.
My voice is very sweet, so I like having an edge on everything. A real edge is necessary in good songwriting, and in life generally. So, that’s why I choose to sing about trains and sing murder ballads.
My voice is very sweet, so I like having an edge on everything. A real edge is necessary in good songwriting, and in life generally. So, that’s why I choose to sing about trains and sing murder ballads.
It’s a necessary, powerful form of art. I’m just glad that you’re doing this.
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I’m very grateful to Rorey Carroll and the Rorey Carroll Band for their role in this week’s posts. Rorey spent over two hours on the phone for the interview, and she and the band recorded, edited, and uploaded video especially for Murder Ballad Monday. She could not have been more generous with her time, or more open about her experience as a writer and singer. It was a privilege to be a part of this exchange about the process of making this music, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
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I’m very grateful to Rorey Carroll and the Rorey Carroll Band for their role in this week’s posts. Rorey spent over two hours on the phone for the interview, and she and the band recorded, edited, and uploaded video especially for Murder Ballad Monday. She could not have been more generous with her time, or more open about her experience as a writer and singer. It was a privilege to be a part of this exchange about the process of making this music, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.